


asters

by taeyeons



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Actor!Sehun, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance, a mention of chanhun, based off the last five years au, quite an emotional ride, since im the one writing this, writer!jongin, you get the gist hv fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 14:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6960436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeyeons/pseuds/taeyeons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>asters blossom within his chest, in the wake of spring. these are words jongin would write if he held a pen to stain sehun's skin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	asters

**Author's Note:**

> written for the maknaerulez fic exchange, round 2. taken from their lj.  
> // i rly like reading feedback/comments on this fic since i've put everything into it so pls do comment ur heartache or feelings. i'll comfort u xx

_May 31st 2015_   
  


The frame feels heavy in his hands, its gold edges digging into his palm, leaving dents. His thumb swipes against the picture, almost falling into a flashback of the day the picture was taken. He looked happy, blissful, and carefree and in love with the boy whose cheeks were smashed against his face. He bites his lip, indulging in the pain in order to ease the throbbing in his heart. These are times that Sehun wants to revisit, just to feel what is like to be so sure of life and to be so in love with a certain kind of boy because when he looks at the present, it is filled with so many uncertainties and insecurities.  
  
Sehun gazes wistfully at the boy’s smile, his beautiful set of teeth glimmering in the presence of the sun and his brown, brown eyes framed by short eyelashes. He looks at the smile that he, himself, is wearing and his lips quirk slightly at the fact that that smile was coaxed out by the boy. Sehun places the picture back on the little desk by the bed, his eyes have grown exhausted of looking at old memories and his heart has weakened at the pain of reminiscing the used-to-be’s.  
  
When the light slowly disappears and there’s no longer sun to brighten up the room, he feels the coldness seeping into his body, raising goose bumps on his skin. Even when Sehun turns the heater on, he still feels it crippling through his body, breaking out into shivers. He glances at the door which remains stationary throughout the day. Jongin is not home, again.  
  
The loneliness is sitting in his heart like an old, familiar friend coming by to visit. _Miss me?_ It would wrap itself around Sehun, pulling him into the veil of dark thoughts and misery. It has been so long, since he felt this way. Ever since Jongin walked into his life, he has never found the need to revisit those feelings, those thoughts. They have been long buried in the deepest of earth and to have them resurface at the absence of Jongin, it’s unsettling. Sehun feels himself curling inwards, pulling his knees close to his chest and taking slow breaths. A glance at the clock and the door, he bites his bottom lip. Jongin’s not home, again.  
  
Sehun’s used to this by now, something that he never wants to get used to, even. He sits on his hands, on the cold marble floor at 8pm, 9pm, 10pm and the clock keeps ticking the hours away. Jongin is not home, Jongin is not home, he is not home yet. Sehun sits on the cold, marble floor, occasionally throwing his head back and gulping down bitter alcohol but nothing is as bitter as the resentment settling in his heart. Jongin is not home, still.  
  
This is not easy, Sehun thinks, his index finger swirling around the rim of the beer bottle. It is never easy.  
  
Sehun takes a sweeping gaze around the apartment he has called home in the last five years and tries to think of the moment where everything falls apart. Even with him trying so hard to search for that turning point, he can’t find it. He can’t find the imperfection that turns his relationship into the disastrous mess he’s in. Jongin and Sehun, that’s what everyone identifies them as and they have never strayed away from each other. Sehun has never felt less important to Jongin ever, up until now.  
  
Which is probably why it hurts so bad; the fact that Jongin’s love possibly faded away and Sehun’s love is still a burning flame, refusing to burn out.  
  
When Jongin finally comes back home, Sehun listens silently to the tip-toeing and the clinking of keys on the kitchen counter. He listens silently, snuggled into his comforter on his bed, to the boy running a hot shower in the middle of the night and changing his clothes in the dark. He stays mute when Jongin finally gets dressed for bed and chooses to sleep on the couch in the living room, instead of sleeping on the bed with his husband. He curls into himself, feeling loneliness gnaw away at his heart once again. A teardrop flows down his cheek, as he closes his eyes shut, pleading for the ache to fade into nothingness.  
  
This is not easy, Sehun thinks, biting his lip and hugging his comforter tight. He is still breathing shallowly, his heart thumping achingly loud against his ribcage. It is never easy.

 

* * *

  
  
_April 27th 2010_   
  


“Who are you trying to set me up with, again?” Sehun asks, uninterested. Truthfully, he isn’t bothered about dating or relationships in general but his best friends have been concerned since all he does is auditions, auditions, occasional part-time jobs, cry in the abode of his home about his misfortune and unlucky fate in the city and auditions.

Spring is in full swing, flowers blossoming on the once stripped tree branches, bringing colour to the streets of New York. Sehun has once again, failed an audition and he's drinking the morose feeling away and drowning himself in the caffeine his espresso brings. Baekhyun, being his usual self, is once again worried about Sehun's wellbeing and as a solution, Baekhyun decides on sending Sehun off on another blind date. Again.  
  
“A writer, Sehun, a _writer,_ ” one of his best friends (unfortunately), Baekhyun sighs. “Why don’t you ever pay attention to me?”  
  
Ignoring Baekhyun’s whiny voice, he takes a sip of his coffee and immediately winces at the hotness. His tongue is burnt slightly now, cursing his impatience and also Baekhyun because in the end, everything is his fault.  
  
“Writers are pretentious,” Sehun points out with a lisp, his tongue still pained and scalded by the heat of the coffee, to which Baekhyun rolls his eyes at.  
  
“Then, what are you?” his other best friend (again, unfortunately), Kyungsoo remarks as he joins them at the table. Baekhyun scoots closer to the window to make space for Kyungsoo to settle in. Sehun frowns a little at Kyungsoo’s comment, just slightly offended at the thought of people deeming him as pretentious. And his frown deepens at the sight of his two best friends intertwining their hands underneath the table, probably thinking it's not seen but Sehun notices everything. Every. Single. Time.  
  
“How am I exactly pretentious?” Sehun grumbles. He glances at the cup of coffee in front of him and tentatively takes a sip again.  
  
“I’m not saying you’re pretentious,” Kyungsoo says, fixing the collar of his button down shirt. “I’m asking, if writers are pretentious, then what are you as an actor?”  
  
Satisfied with the now cooled drink, Sehun continues to take long sips. He pretends to think for a few seconds by furrowing his eyebrows a bit and pursuing his lips. He smirks slightly before answering, “An artist. A real one.”  
  
Baekhyun barks out a laugh at that, accidentally sputtering remains of his sweetened chocolate drink onto the table which earns him a side glare from Kyungsoo. But being used to the boy’s doe-eyed glare means being immune to the daggers he’s sending Baekhyun’s way so he simply replies to Sehun’s cocky answer with a “That’s what you think.”  
  
“It is what everyone thinks.”  
  
Sehun’s reply is ignored by his best friends as Kyungsoo merely turns to Baekhyun fully and looks at him with a gaze unexplainable. Sehun watches as Kyungsoo says, “I told you that Jongin’s too good for him.”  
  
The ends of Baekhyun’s mouth move upwards, twitching, “Maybe it’s good for Sehun, then he has to try harder.”  
  
“I’m right here, you know,” Sehun declares, clearing his throat slightly but it didn’t stir the two boys from discussing his love life right in front of him.  
  
He isn’t even sure why they are both so worried about him and his currently non-existent love life. He is actually doing fine. Well he isn’t scoring any roles or getting much cash from his part-time job as a cashier at an old record store which no one visits but look at the brighter side, he’s _living_ in New York; the place to be. He’s fine with not having a secure job, he’s fine with eating microwaved meals, he’s fine with cycling as his mode of transportation and he’s perfectly fine with not having a relationship. Sehun rather work on his acting than be involved in a relationship, so as he watches the two boys discuss his possible blind date, he is unsure of why his two best friends are so concerned about him. Look at him, he’s _fine_.  
  
“Maybe you guys should worry about your own relationship,” Sehun adds, casually. It catches their attention, both of them raising an eyebrow each at Sehun.  
  
“What’s there to worry?” Baekhyun chuckles, glancing at Kyungsoo with an easy smile, to which Kyungsoo scoffs at but Sehun can see the tips of his ears reddening in abashment.  
  
A lot, Sehun rebuts in his mind. _The way you stare at Kyungsoo when he’s not paying attention, the way you steal a kiss from Kyungsoo’s words, interrupting his sentences, the way you think no one’s looking when you snake a hand up his thigh, the way you compose music and write lyrics eerily resembling your relationship and…_ Sehun blinks, catching both of his best friends sharing smiles and Kyungsoo hitting the back of Baekhyun’s hand. It is indeed worrying to see both of them so in love with each other to the point they see nothing but each other, to the point the world doesn’t even matter anymore to the two of them. It is worrying, to Sehun, that he’s left out in this cycle. His best friends are in New York, living their desired dreams and living together and he is the lone wolf, left behind in his delusional dream of being an actor.  
  
Maybe, it’s the loneliness. Maybe that is the reason why his best friends are so concerned, sending him on blind dates after another. Sehun isn’t exactly picky, but he has never found someone he just… is interested in. While he’s slightly grateful for the thought behind these blind dates, he doesn’t see why it’s so necessary. He’s doing well with the loneliness, he thinks.  
  
Then, remnants of late nights spent in his pathetic one room apartment, slurping on cup noodles and cheap beer cans (or soda cans when he’s really broke) flash behind his eyes and he is overwhelmed with the feeling of loneliness. It is fine being alone but he’s too alone. Too lonely. Too isolated.  
  
He clicks his tongue against his teeth, “I’ll give the writer a chance, and I’ll go on the blind date.” Baekhyun turns his focus to him, eyes brightening and lips stretching into a wider grin at him. It’s contagious, Sehun muses, his own lips stretching upwards into a smile.

 

* * *

 

_August 8th 2012_   
  


“It’s boring,” Sehun whines, his voice coming out higher than usual through the video call.  
  
Jongin laughs, his signature throaty and sonorous laughter travelling all the way to Sehun’s ears. He smiles, despite himself and joins in the laughter. He delights himself in looking at the low quality image of the crinkles at the ends of Jongin’s eyes and his teeth all on show when he laughs. Sehun realises with a pang that he wouldn’t be able to see this face until the weekend and it is four days away.  
  
“I thought you loved acting?” Jongin says, once he recovers from laughing, eyes still squinted in amusement.  
  
Sehun leans back against the chair and takes a glimpse in the mirror to find his face spotless thanks to the BB cream, abused by the makeup artist. He’s frowning now, the wrinkles visible on the lines around his mouth and on his forehead. It has only been two weeks of rehearsals for the play he has scored a role for. It is not even a huge, huge role; he’s just a measly second male character who is overlooked by the male lead and to be honest, he isn’t even sure if the play is going to make it big. He isn’t sure if it’s going to work out, if he’s going places or if the play is going to be a huge hit with the audience in Ohio. But then, he glances at Jongin, at the apartment he left briefly to pursue this play. He looks at the smile on Jongin’s face and the uneasy feeling fades away. It is going to work out.  
  
“I do, but it’s so tiring,” Sehun continues to whine. “I’m getting backaches and I think I’m losing my voice.”  
  
Jongin chuckles, “If you’re so worried about your voice, you’d stop whining.”  
  
Sehun bites his bottom lip and looks at Jongin through the screen, through his lashes. “Maybe I’m just hinting at someone to come down to Ohio.”  
  
“Oh baby, I would but I am booked this whole week.”  
  
Sehun laments loudly, “I told you to drop the pet name!”  
  
Sehun’s co-worker, Jinri who is the female protagonist, shouts at him to keep it down but all Sehun could hear is the deep, resonated laughter coming out of Jongin and all he could see is Jongin’s scrunched up face when he loses himself in his laughter. And all Sehun could think of is how much he misses Jongin and how far four days is away from now.  
  
“Then, how am I going to show how much I adore you?” Jongin's eyes are sparkling, _playful_. There is a lilt to his voice, only Sehun is able to detect through a low quality video call. Living with the boy for a while can do that to you, Sehun thinks. He is able to remember, commit to memory, every single quirk of Jongin's features and still learn new ones in a day.  
  
Sehun rests his chin on his palm, eyebrows waggling at the screen, “I don't know. You're the creative one between us.”  
  
Jongin rolls his eyes, exaggeratedly but a smile remains, unwavering, on the fullness of his lips and it's adding speed to the pulse on Sehun's wrist, sending the beating of his heart into a frenzy. “Just because I'm a writer doesn't mean that I'm _the_ creative one.”  
  
“Are you trying to say I'm creative then, Jongin?” Sehun jests, tapping a finger against his lips in mock deep thought. The darker skinned boy on the other end zeroes on the action of Sehun's finger and if he's paying attention (which is always, when it comes to Kim Jongin), Sehun is able to see the gulp of Jongin's Adam apple bobbing in his throat.  
  
Jongin clears his throat, voice coming off a little strained, eyes diverting to a spot behind Sehun's shoulder. “Then, I guess we are both lost cases,” he replies, with a forced laugh but there is no humour, no amusement. All Sehun could see is the pools of desire swimming in Jongin's brown irises, mirroring his as Sehun's eyes skim over the way Jongin's tongue sweeps over his bottom lip in nervousness.  
  
It's the distance, Sehun reminds himself, it's the distance playing with their minds. It's the distance making them realise that they need each other more often than they do. It's the distance making them feel emptier without the other, or at least that is how it is in Sehun's mind. He can't turn to his right to find Jongin sitting there anymore, his fingers can't reach out in the mere few inches between them to wrap around Jongin's wrist, reminding himself that he's there in his life. Sehun can't pull Jongin's plump bottom lip between his teeth, listening to the moan enunciated from Jongin's throat over and over again. The distance is a cruel thing, setting them far away from each other when they are so used to each other's breathing, each other's heartbeats in the middle of the nights.  
  
Now, Sehun has to learn to fall asleep to his own heart beating, has to learn how to live without a presence beside him in his too small bed, has to learn to wake up to sheets perfectly spread out on his body, without being tangled in limbs. It is like learning how to walk independently without a hand to steady your steps every few seconds, he feels like he's rediscovering how to live all over again. His life had been so wrapped together with Jongin's, Sehun has forgotten how it's like before.  
  
It's not like he misses the emptiness anyway, he's better off with Jongin's presence in his space.  
  
A few seconds tick by, with them just staring at each other and not at each other. Sehun doesn't know what else to say except “ _I miss you_ ”, croaking out from his lips. It catches Jongin's attention, snapping his chin upwards to meet Sehun's pleading eyes.  
  
Silence follows, Sehun's words echo in the air, travelling through the screens, travelling to Jongin's ears. There is a hitch in Jongin's breathing, exhaling slowly. The screen is pixelated, Sehun could barely see through the low quality video call but he knows Jongin well. He has Jongin's features memorised, every single movement memorised, kept in a box in his mind. He can almost feel the exhale of Jongin's breath against his skin, he yearns for it. But four days, it just keeps blinking in his mind, behind the darkness of his eyelids, reminding him of the time he has left till he could see Jongin again, feel him breathe next to him.  
  
“I miss you too,” Jongin whispers shyly, and Sehun shouldn't be able to hear through the weak internet but he hears it all too clearly, pounding in his eardrums, drumming on the underside of his wrist.  
  
Sehun closes his eyes briefly, parts his lips to say, “Four days, Jongin.” He swallows, feeling something akin to bile rise, lodging in the column of his throat. His heart is heavy with words, jibberish really, like _come here, I miss you so much, I don't think I could live a day without you let alone a whole week, I love you, do you love me as much?_ These words... Sehun feels them whirling around in his head, almost taking control of his tongue, spilling out of his mouth but he stops himself, bites himself on the tongue, tasting the metallic blood in his mouth. Instead, all he allows himself to say is, “It's too long.”  
  
He hears Jongin's chuckle, it develops into a full laugh, filling Sehun from head to toe. Sehun snaps his eyes open to capture Jongin's face scrunched up in a peal of laughter, his eyes crinkled at the corners, lips stretched upwards into a grin, softened at the corners with fondness.  
  
Sehun can't seem to pull his eyes away from looking at the screen, at Jongin's eyes as he replies, “I can't live without you, too.” Sehun feels his cheeks burning a deep red colour, eyes casting to the keyboard.  
  
Jongin has always been able to catch on the undermining of his words, always knows how to paint the apple of his cheeks a crimson colour, always knows what to say to fill Sehun's insides with warmth and especially, longing in his abdomen.  
  
It comes with living with each other for far too long, Sehun thinks, or maybe it comes with memorising each other too much, filling their heads with the thoughts of each other's beings.

 

* * *

  
  
_June 14th 2015_   
  


“Jongin,” Sehun breathes out, or pants out as the latter presses kisses all over his face, distracting him from his audition script. Jongin's lips linger far too long on the corner of his lips, teasing him with a lick of his tongue. Sehun almost groans out of pleasure or annoyance or both, at this point, he's not really sure anymore when it comes to these things. His mind has always been a disoriented place whenever Jongin's in the picture. He takes a deep breath, trying to regain what is left of his composure, “I'm trying to memorise my lines, please.”  
  
The boy pauses in his tracks, leans back a little to look at Sehun properly. Sehun entertains him for a few seconds by averting his gaze from the pile of papers in his hands to the brownness in Jongin's irises. He could see his reflection clear as water in those irises, almost drowning himself in the pool of emotions. He has little restraint left, but Sehun is able to pull backwards, he's able to take a step back before slipping into the pool where he knows he'll be awfully drowned in the waters at the expense of Kim Jongin. He pursues his lips, tilting his head to gaze at Sehun better. Sehun merely puts on a smile, innocent and charming enough to convince Jongin to stop distracting him. He sure loves these interruptions, the distractions in his everyday life (he cannot lie, those lips are a work of art) but the audition is just two days away.  
  
And Sehun is frankly running out of time.  
  
It is also kind of rare for Jongin to do these things anymore, if Sehun had to admit. They barely have the time to spend mornings with each other like this; basking in the sunlight of the early summer sun, letting shadows dance on their tangled limbs on the sofa, breathing in each other's scents. Most of the time, Sehun is left alone in an empty apartment and goes to the bed late in the night to an empty bed.  
  
He should be appreciating this attention, Sehun realises with a pang, but as he glances at the script from the corner of his eye, he decides that he cannot live by feeding off Jongin's success anymore.  
  
It is cue for Sehun to step up, be desperate again to achieve acting roles once more.  
  
“Sehun...” Jongin trails off, goes into his shell again where Sehun knows he is thinking a little too hard about what he wants to say. Sehun leans forward, closing the small distance between them, to peck on Jongin's nose lightly. Jongin chases after his lips, and successfully attaches his lips to the small bow of Sehun's lips, licking at the roof of his mouth with his clever tongue. He pulls back enough to say, into entrance of Sehun's mouth, dropping a peck on the corner of his close-lipped smile, “I'm going to miss you so much.”  
  
“What are you saying?” Sehun nuzzles his nose against Jongin's, audition script absolutely forgotten and thrown on the marble floor. Jongin always gets through him, he fiddles with Sehun's weaknesses, dances on all of Sehun's ticklish spots and soon, Sehun is already caving in, predictably.  
  
Sehun cracks a smile, teeth gleaming at Jongin, trying to clear the wrinkles of his frown away.

“ _You have me right here, always._ ”

 

* * *

  
  
_April 30th 2010_   
  


The lights are finally dimming, casting a soft glow on the small stage. People have gathered around with their own drinks of their choice, sitting in groups at tables. It's cue for the act of the night.  
  
Sehun clutches the drink tightly in his grasp, eyes quickly adjusting to the subdued lighting. He starts to manoeuvre his way through the tables, muttering apologies underneath his breath and finding his usual table at the corner. There's a tattered sign on the table, with 'reser'ved' written cursively across it. He rolls his eyes in amusement and pushes the sign down as he takes a seat. It must have been Kyungsoo's handwriting, as Chanyeol's letters are most often in caps and his handwriting looks just as messy as the owner.  
  
Sehun takes his seat, facing the front with barely hidden anticipation for the act. His fingers are tapping to an unknown beat in his head, it's most probably the new song that has been played on a loop at his audition a day ago. He tries to still his hands, still the growing anxiety inside him but it is futile as his mind remembers his purpose of his presence in The Kitchen.  
  
Ever since Sehun agreed to another one of Baekhyun and Kyungsoo's blind date and has allowed them to meddle with his love life again, they have been talking about the writer non-stop, reassuring Sehun every five seconds that the guy is wonderful and “ _this is it, Sehun, he'll be the love of your life_ ”.  
  
But Sehun likes to think that he doesn't fall in love easily.  
  
There's the usual nerves breaking out before a blind date but nothing out of the blue for him really, as both Baekhyun and Kyungsoo have made sure that he'll be familiar with the emotional drive before a blind date. And right they were.  
  
He's not so sure about their choice for his blind date, though.  
  
Sehun's not supposed to feel any kind of resentment, he's supposed to be _neutral_ but his past experiences on blind dates have gone badly. Alright, he is kind of exaggerating it a bit but so was Baekhyun when he insisted on sending Sehun off on a blind date and was so certain that the guy would be Sehun's type.  
  
Then, it turned out to be Park Chanyeol, Kyungsoo's companion in the bar business.  
  
It has become a funny story to tell the kids and fortunately, Chanyeol took his rejection pretty well, laughing it off and assuring Sehun that he expected it after all. Baekhyun was devastated and thus, began his search for more potential dates for Sehun.  
  
Now, Sehun sits on a stool, arm rested on the tabletop with a fiddly hand on his thigh, playing with the threads of his ripped jeans. He has succumbed to another one of Baekhyun's atrocious ideas and he wonders sometimes why he's still friends with the guy. It has been Kyungsoo's idea afterwards to plan the date at his bar, The Kitchen, so that Sehun and his date would be close to them and they could keep an eye on the date.  
  
About the date... Sehun pursues his lips in thought. Kyungsoo had approved of him and praised him highly, which intrigues Sehun more about the guy or should he say, the writer? He had asked questions naturally about the writer, trying to dig up more information on him before the inevitable date but all Baekhyun did was to ignore him whilst Kyungsoo told him kindly that Sehun should just meet him on the date itself and see how he is in person.  
  
First things first, Sehun wants to argue is that the writer's late. It has been ten minutes into their supposed meeting time and the guy is nowhere to be seen. Sehun's starting to hope that the writer stood him up or forgot about the date, just to shove it up to Baekhyun's face. Then, he remembers that this guy has the approved stamp by Kyungsoo which is rare since Sehun's dates usually strings from Baekhyun's choices. Sehun has to trust the writer, for Kyungsoo's sake and hope that he's merely running late.  
  
But people often have to regain his trust from years and years of knowing him, so who gives the writer the opportunity to earn it fully on the first meeting?  
  
Sehun can no longer be alone in his thoughts as the lights dim further, emphasising on the light on stage. Sehun sits up straight, leaning his shoulder against the wall in his attempt to get comfortable. He takes a sip of the alcohol, hoping it'll loosen the knots in his body. A guy clad in a flannel and jeans makes his presence on stage by strutting into the audience's view, with an acoustic guitar. The light shines bright on his face, bringing out the gleam in his irises when he greets the crowd with a loud, booming voice, unlike the small form he's wearing.  
  
“ _Good evening, people of New York!_ ” he takes a beat, hearing the cheers from the audience. He naturally wears a smile on the stretch of his lips, “ _I'm Baekhyun and welcome to our humble abode, The Kitchen!_ ”  
  
Baekhyun's smile grows wider into a grin when he notices Sehun in the crowd, nodding his head at him. Sehun chuckles, lifting a hand to wave back in greeting. Baekhyun's eyes linger on Sehun for a second too long before returning back to the audience with an exclaim, “We're starting with a slow one for tonight and here's Stuck On You by New Politics!”  
  
His eyes have returned to Sehun's table, but this time, with a twinkle in those irises. The corners of his mouth soften, “This performance is dedicated to my best friend and hopefully, his new partner. Hope you enjoy it, folks!”  
  
Sehun's eyes glaze over, his ears are filled with the slow strumming of the acoustic guitar, carrying a ballad in its notes. Baekhyun parts his lips and sings the starting of the verse but Sehun is quickly distracted by a soft “ _hey_ ” in his ear. He swivels his head around to meet unfamiliar eyes staring at him. The guy wears a genuine smile on his lips, the corners of his mouth turned upwards, directed at Sehun. He realises, a beat too late as he stares at the guy, that it is the writer, his date of the night.  
  
When Sehun doesn't reply, the writer rubs the back of his neck in abashment, teeth breaking out into his smile. Sehun is still staring, he feels his jaw growing slack. He's not sure if he has taken his intake of breath just yet, but he's too busy gazing at a boy who is incredibly handsome and he is uncertain of what Baekhyun and Kyungsoo have done this time.  
  
“Sorry for being late!” the writer whispers loudly while Baekhyun's soft singing accompanies him in the background. “I got lost at the subway and I couldn't find this place. It's my first time after all...” he rambles on, his head ducked low.  
  
Sehun clears his throat, clears the thoughts in his mind and answers him, “It's okay, I didn't wait that long.”  
  
The writer lifts his head, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards again into a smile. It tugs once more at the strings of Sehun's heart, making the organ feel more constricted within its cage. He has the most beautiful, full lips Sehun has ever seen and he's feeling kind of self conscious in his simple white tee and black ripped jeans as the latter is sporting a grey button-down with denim jeans.  
  
“I'm Jongin, by the way,” the writer introduces himself, eyes crinkling at Sehun. He is starting to feel light-headed, it must be the alcohol although his drink is only a quarter in and he has been known to hold his drinks well. “What about you, actor boy?”  
  
“Actor boy?” amusement flashes briefly in Sehun's eyes. A corner of his mouth twitches and he gives in, bringing upon a smile for the writer. “I'm Sehun. Nice to meet you, Jongin.”  
  
“You too,” Jongin lets out a chuckle, shyly covering the sight of the inside of his mouth with the palm of his hand. “Are we being too formal?”  
  
A laugh spills out of Sehun's lips, he's bare and unguarded in front of Jongin at the moment. The walls of his heart are not as stable as before and Sehun is falling fast and hard before he could even have a say in it.  
  
His heart has always been a stubborn little thing.  
  
“I think we are,” Sehun's eyes avert to the stage for a few seconds, catching Baekhyun's gaze on them. The singer smiles, joy written on the upward tug of his mouth at the success of the blind date. Sehun merely shakes his head, unable to fight the smile coming on his own mouth. He returns his eyes to Jongin, letting it drop anchor in the pools of his irises. “But I think you are already a much better date than my previous ones.”  
  
A smirk creeps onto Jongin's lips, an eyebrow cocked at Sehun. “So you've been around the block, huh?”  
  
Sehun presses his lips together, tries to keep the smile contained but all of his attempts at regaining his composure in front of Jongin have been failing. “With Baekhyun's help, of course.”  
  
Jongin's eyes disappear into crinkles, mouth falling open in an endearing laugh, the sound of his laughter filling Sehun's ears. For a moment, all Sehun could hear is the melody of Jongin's laughter, blocking the chatter of The Kitchen and Baekhyun's singing out from his ears. He becomes absorbed in the boy's features, as Jongin continues to laugh, all of his canines on show. There's a small smile on Sehun's lips, and it's the outcome of Jongin's presence.  
  
“Of course,” Jongin barely croaks out in the midst of his laughter. When he's finally done from doubling over in laughter, he shares a look with Sehun, a blissful smile mirroring Sehun's.  
  
Baekhyun is transitioning into a more upbeat song and Sehun realises it's one of Kyungsoo's favourites; Justin Timberlake. The instrumental of the song fills the bar, and Baekhyun accompanies the melody with his soft voice, belting out the lyrics at a higher pitch. If Sehun was looking, he'd see Kyungsoo in the corner at the back with his body swaying to the music and a fond smile on his lips, the only smile he is directing at Baekhyun. But this time, Sehun's too occupied with the quirks of Jongin's mouth and the whispers of his heart, wanting to learn more about the writer.  
  
Then, Baekhyun sings. The lyric, “ _and it feels like falling in love right now_ ” flows into Sehun's ears, rippling his heart as he gazes at Jongin, chin rested on his palm, eyes widened with zeal.  
  
And so, Sehun leans in, his pulse rate rising with every inch covered between them. His lips mouth at the shell of Jongin's ear, he could feel the writer's shivering under the fan of his breath on his skin. Sehun takes an inhale of Jongin's cologne, letting it fill his senses, letting himself familiarise with Jongin's scent. He parts his lips to utter a few words, a proposal, an idea, “ _Want to get out of here?_ ” to which Jongin nods his head to with eyes bright, enthusiasm twinkling in his irises.  
  
Sehun has his hand out, and he waits till Jongin laces his fingers in between Sehun's gaps. He tugs once and Sehun has them running out of the door of The Kitchen, leaving the table at the corner of the bar forgotten, letting go of the tension in their muscles, allowing the brightness of their smiles shine on their lips.  
  
They stand on a pavement across The Kitchen with their chests heaving from the adrenaline rush of escaping the walls of The Kitchen. Their hands are still intertwined, their grip on each other's hands growing loose and comfortable. Sehun's too invested in the warmth of Jongin's palm against his and he figures he adores the callouses of Jongin's fingers. Jongin straightens up, a grin on his face, and looks at Sehun in anticipation. Sehun is too busy, being lost in the sight in front of him, the sight of the street lamps casting a dull, yellowish glow on the planes of Jongin's face.  
  
It feels like falling in love for the first time under the company of the stars in the universe.  
  
“Where should we go?” Sehun asks, scanning the streets for any interesting shops they should venture into or a restaurant to quench the hunger in them. He hasn't been to The Kitchen for a while, having been occupied with auditions, so he's not entirely familiar with the streets as much as before.  
  
Jongin's smile deepens, eyes boring into Sehun's with intensity. The tone of his voice lowers as he utters, “Anywhere, as long as I'm with you.”  
  
Sehun's heart skips a beat, there's a red light going off in his head but all he could focus on is the sincerity laced in Jongin's voice. He takes a step backwards, pulling Jongin with him. Jongin has placed a piece of his heart in Sehun's hands and he isn't sure, he's afraid of not being careful. So he holds Jongin's hand tenderly, the pad of his thumb soothing the muscles on Jongin's hand. He just has to trust Jongin as well, as there's a piece of his heart in Jongin's palm too and there's another lodged in Sehun's throat, threatening to spill.  
  
They begin walking under the starry sky, with only the lights to guide them through the dim streets at only eight into the night. Sehun doesn't have a destination in mind but he feels like he could go to the end of the earth with Jongin's hand interlocked in his.  
  
Sehun feels invincible and in love for the very first time.  
  


* * *

_June 17th 2015_   
  


The right side of the queen-sized bed feels awfully cold on a Wednesday afternoon.  
  
Sehun stretches the sleep out of his limbs and rubs his eyes gently as they try to adjust to the approaching summer sun with its rays creating shadows on the walls of the apartment. The shadows are reminding Sehun once more of his husband's absence in the bed. He is not expecting much but he searches the apartment thoroughly anyway, for any sign of the writer.  
  
As usual, it's empty like the hollowness of Sehun's heart.  
  
Instead of feeling the usual humidity of the afternoon scorching on his pale skin, he feels the cold crippling into his heart, freezing his veins and arteries like before. Sehun can't help but slump in his form and succumb to the loneliness that's about to take over. It's an eerily familiar feeling, one he doesn't welcome at all but also one that he can't avoid entirely.  
  
It is kind of funny how Sehun has been expecting the routine of waking up alone to return but yet, the ache in his heart isn't lying and he still crumbles to the ground every single time Jongin's not there to hold him up in the warmth of his arms. Sehun should have known that a weekend with Jongin is all he is going to have until the high of his schedule fades and he'll come back to the apartment filled with Sehun's sorrows and erase the ache in Sehun's heart with his lingering lips on Sehun's skin.  
  
Sehun has to be patient. As always.  
  
It has been like this for a long time, ever since Simon & Schuster has picked up Jongin's book draft. Now, the writer has published three books in the course of their relationship and the books have been selling, flying off the shelves. The company has been demanding of his attention, greedy off the dollar signs that Jongin has been producing from his written works.  
  
Sehun frowns at the thought, he is supportive of Jongin's career of course. He has been the writer's first fan, pushing him to the path, reassuring the latter of his upcoming success in the future.  
  
He just wants their relationship to live on a smooth, wooden flooring. Not a road filled with rocky bumps.  
  
All of a sudden, a ring of his phone brings him out of his thoughts. Sehun trudges over to the kitchen, where his phone lies on the counter. Kyungsoo's name flashes on the screen, blinking on and off as the call rings out in the apartment. Sehun lets out a sigh before picking his phone up and sliding his finger on the screen to answer Kyungsoo's call.  
  
“Sehun,” Kyungsoo's voice booms out into Sehun's eardrum from the other side of the phone. There's a tinkling of music playing in the background and Sehun figures that he's in charge of The Kitchen today instead of Chanyeol. “Are you doing on the 20th?”  
  
Sehun leans against the counter, fingers dancing along the wooden top. He breathes out, “No, nothing sure of yet.”  
  
“Oh, good,” it sparks curiousity in Sehun and he hums as Kyungsoo goes on, “Make yourself free. I might have an audition for you.”  
  
Sehun's eyes have been wandering all over the kitchen, and his eyes catch a glimpse of paper peeking out from the underside of a bowl. He pursues his lips, not remembering leaving a note of any importance in the kitchen, and he strides over to the dining table.  
  
“Might?” he answers half-assed into the speaker of his phone, as he's too intrigued in the mystery of the paper under the bowl. He picks it up and pushes it away carefully. Sehun takes in the sight of the note, folded into half messily, looking like it has been done in a rush. Pushing his doubts away, he picks it up between the pads of his two fingers and uncovers the mystery within.  
  
In the midst of all this, Kyungsoo continues to babble Sehun's ear away, “Just be grateful that I'm your friend and a good one at that. Some guy walked into the bar last night, complaining to me when he was drunk about his upcoming play in the few weeks. Spourting some shit about having no male leads or not being able to find the right one. Sounds like a pretty pretentious business to me, Oh Sehun, I don't know abou-- hey, are you there?”  
  
Sehun's hands are trembling, the paper has landed a cut on his index finger but he's too immensed in the words written on the note to care about the sight of blood on his finger. His vision is growing misty with every repeated reading of the note. Kyungsoo's voice sounds so far away rather than directly into his ear from the speaker of his phone. The handwriting is so familiar, cutting an edge into Sehun's heart, hitting too close to home. And Sehun suddenly feels like he's missing a piece of his heart, having given it to Jongin for safekeeping.  
  
 _sehun,  
i'll be gone for a while. i don't know when i'll be back.  
don't stay up for me.  
xx jongin_  
  
Sehun exhales shakily, noisily into his phone's speaker, creating static in the silence. He closes his eyes, a blink of his eyes letting a teardrop fall. His bottom lip quivers as he parts his lips to answer Kyungsoo's worried voice.  
  
“ _Jongin's gone. Again._ ”

 

* * *

  
  
_March 20th 2011_

  
“La Cuisine?” Sehun questions, raising his eyebrows at the fancy interior of the restaurant. The waiter escorts them to their table, wishing them a good evening as he whisks away to another table. Jongin tries to muffle his laughter behind the palm of his hand at Sehun's bewildered expression. “I didn't think that we'd be having a top-notch dinner today, Jongin. I should have worn fancier pants.”  
  
Jongin gives in, bursting out into laughter. The neighbouring table looks over at them, sending a glare at their noise. The frowns on their faces threaten to call the waiters out on them but Sehun and Jongin don't really care as they lose themselves in their peal of laughter together.  
  
Jongin chokes out, trying to compose himself, “I just thought it'd be nice for a change.”  
  
“A fancy restaurant date is like #3 date in the beginning of a relationship,” Sehun points a finger at Jongin accusingly and mockingly narrows his eyes at the boy. “You, Kim Jongin, have failed.”  
  
Jongin rolls his eyes, but there's a smile threatening to break out on his lips, Sehun has learned all of his tricks by now. “I apologise for not being a rich bum, Oh Sehun, but it's your fault that you've fallen for a pauper instead.”  
  
A corner of Sehun's mouth twitches in amusement, “What makes you think I have fallen for you?”  
  
Jongin smirks in response, Sehun's stomach begins to lurch. It must be the hunger. “What makes you think you _haven't_?”  
  
Sehun avoids the question by lifting the menu from the table. His eyes flick from the heavy gaze Jongin is sporting to the content on the menu. It is filled with French words, unfamiliar dishes that Sehun has never heard of. There are only images of the dishes accompanying their names, and that is the only thing helping Sehun to choose his meal for the night.  
  
“Do you even know how to pronounce these words?” Sehun asks casually, eyes wandering all over the page of the menu, finding something that looks appetising. If only, the descriptions of the dishes were in English, instead of French.  
  
Jongin scoffs, and Sehun momentarily flits his gaze over to the boy sitting across him. He has his eyes fixated on the menu as well. “I know my French well, excuse you.”  
  
Sehun raises his eyebrow, chuckling under his breath when Jongin mockingly makes a pained expression at his disbelief. “I get it, I get it. You're the one with all the languages, I'm just an imitator.”  
  
A smile spreads across Jongin's face and it scrunches up in laughter momentarily, “See, being with me has humbled you tremendously.”  
  
Sehun puts down the menu, returning a smile to Jongin. He clasps his hands together and asks, “Are you ready to order, o' humble one?”  
  
They recite their orders to the waiter and well, in Sehun's case, he tried very hard to pronounce the French words as accurately as he could but atlast, Jongin chuckles and reaches over to help him by telling the waiter himself in accented French. Sehun couldn't help himself, he feels a stir in his stomach at the sight of Jongin's lips making out the syllables of the French words.  
  
Once the waiter leaves the table with a promise to be back with their order, Sehun leans over the table to peck on Jongin's lips lightly with a nibble on his bottom lip to drawl out a low moan from the writer. When Sehun leans back in his seat, looking every bit of smug, Jongin, on the other hand, wears a light pink blush on the apples of his cheeks.  
  
Jongin mutters incoherent words under his breath and Sehun perks up, inquiring, “What was that?”  
  
The writer's cheeks redden, “What did you do that for?” His eyes are everywhere but Sehun and he almost coos at how adorable Jongin looks with red tinging his tanned skin. Sehun prides himself in the bite mark on Jongin's bottom lip, slightly swollen from his peck earlier.  
  
“I just can't control myself, hearing you speak French,” Sehun answers, resulting in a redder Jongin. Sehun could see the boy bite the insides of his cheeks, to keep himself from blushing or smiling even further.  
  
“Gross,” Jongin mutters but the slow forming grin on his face says otherwise, along with the glint in his eyes, making Sehun's heart beat faster and faster than usual.  
  
The food arrives, with light chatter on the table. Sehun makes disgusted expressions at the sour taste of his food and Jongin helps by laughing at his misery. Sehun sulks, his bottom lip drooping into a pout and Jongin kisses the sourness away, filling Sehun with sweetness on his tongue. Their dinner goes by in a breeze with constant jests at each other, a few bickerings ( _“How fitting. Your food is as sour as your face.” “You take that back, Kim Jongin.”_ ) and casual chatter to lift the tension and heavy weight off their shoulders from the previous days of not seeing each other.  
  
There is flowers blossoming in Sehun's heart at the sight of the cresents of Jongin's eyes, his happiness watering life into Sehun's flowers. It is soon approaching a year of being together and Sehun hasn't figured out a way to calm the racing pulse on the inside of his wrist, the back of his knees. He still feels the jolt of falling every single time he gazes at Jongin, and he has taken a liking to the risky trip down. It's unlike him to be so impulsive but when it comes to a boy like Kim Jongin who has weaved his words like vines around Sehun's heart, he is weakened to the pads of his knees, head hung low.  
  
“Since this fancy restaurant's your idea, I'm assuming it's your bill?” Sehun jokes, taking a sip of his wine. The alcohol hasn't settled in fully, it's still a light buzz in his head, making him just slightly dizzy, crazily in love with Jongin.  
  
“Didn't you get a role a few days ago?” Jongin raises his eyebrows at Sehun, his finger is circling the rim of his half empty glass. His eyes are slowly becoming half-lidded, and that's when Sehun knows that Jongin is succumbing to the alcohol in the drink. He has always been more of a lightweight.  
  
“That doesn't mean I'm rolling in cash, Jongin,” Sehun makes an exaggerated roll of his eyes at the writer. “Aren't you supposed to be rich, big shot?”  
  
Jongin's words are becoming slurred and his hiccups are more audible, much more obvious in the heaving of his chest as he attempts to take a deep breath. His wine is almost gone now, his glass is emptying faster than Sehun's. He hiccups once, “I'm a _struggling_ writer, Sehun. Not a successful one.”  
  
Sehun adds a mental ' _yet_ ' to Jongin's words. He rubs his chin, he doesn't feel at all concerned about the bill. He blames it on the wine, it's affecting him a bit. Not as much as Jongin. “Then, what are we gonna do?”  
  
Jongin doesn't answer for a while, preoccupied with his hiccups. He keeps taking sips of the glass of plain water as Sehun plays with the carrots on his plate, making weird shapes in his way of prolonging his time in the air-conditioned restaurant with the scent of food and cologne heavy in his nostrils. Also, the wine is making him lazy, stretching his legs out under the clothed table. He parts his lips, burps a little accidentally and Jongin erupts in a fit of giggles. Sehun smiles softly, pushing a piece of carrot to make a house, “Do we have to wash dishes all night long here?”  
  
“No,” Jongin drags his syllables out, and hiccups again. He makes a frustrated noise at the back of his throat, his glass of water is clearly not helping out. He leans over the table, almost knocking his glass over. Sehun furrows his eyebrows and holds a hand out to stabilise the writer, rubbing his thumb on Jongin's shoulder. The writer squirms, lets out a giggle at the ticklish action. His eyes are boring into Sehun's, dilated and blown out. His voice is lower than usual, “Let's just run out of the restaurant.”  
  
Sehun cocks an eyebrow, “Without paying?”  
  
Jongin nods, a smirk playing on his lips, “Without paying.”  
  
Sehun's eyes scan the restaurant; no one's paying attention to them, too indulged in their meals and their own business. Waiters whisk past them, rushing to tables to serve customers. Sehun turns back to Jongin, stares at the hand Jongin's holding out with the smirk intact on his lips. He curls his fingers into Jongin's hand, feeling the familiarity and warmth wash over him in contentment. The rock that was lodged in his throat is gone, and he's feeling liberal with his hand in Jongin's once more.  
  
“Ready?” Jongin asks and Sehun whispers back, almost lost in the noise of the restaurant, “Always.”  
  
Jongin's eyes are brighter than before, he's tugging on Sehun's hand, pulling him forward towards the exit of the restaurant. They are almost out of the door when Sehun hears a faint “ _Sir, your bill?_ ” behind him and that's when he propels his feet further, taking longer steps, jumping off the pavement with Jongin's hand snug and tight in his. There's wind rustling in his eardrums, like static as Sehun runs with all his might, with Jongin beside him. His heart is about to tumble out of his chest, and he's panting for air with every step. Sehun is about to collapse, he feels it in the tire of his bones but when he looks over to Jongin, he sees the latter wearing a smile brighter than the stars and moon in the sky combined.  
  
And Sehun continues to run, taking refuge in the breeze, trusting it to carry them safely through their speed.  
  
Jongin slows down, nodding towards a corner in the street and Sehun takes a sharp left, collapsing into the wall as he desperately gasps for an intake of air. It takes them merely a few seconds before they erupt into laughter, eyes crinkling with tears at bay, feeling the disbelief of what they have done.  
  
“Hey Oh Sehun,” Jongin shouts and Sehun clasps his palm over Jongin's mouth. The boy bites lightly at Sehun's skin, pecking a kiss onto his palm and Sehun draws his hand away, feeling the tingles all over his body. Jongin smiles sleepily, eyes still half-lidded like as if the run did not wake him up at all. His voice drops a pitch lower, “Do you want to move in with me?”  
  
Sehun steps back, but Jongin has his hand out to grab Sehun's collar, pulling him in back again. It has always been like this between them; Sehun trying with all his might to take an exit but Jongin is there to pull him back, shove him past the danger sign, into the ocean where he drowns helplessly at the expense of Kim Jongin.  
  
“What for?” Sehun fires his own question back.  
  
Jongin hums, fingers curling into Sehun's shirt, tickling his chest. Sehun shouldn't have unbuttoned his shirt, shouldn't have left the first two buttons free. Maybe he should have worn a tie, at least it'd be helpful in shutting Jongin up.  
  
“You're broke, I'm broke. I have an apartment, You have an apartment. Let's just...” he trails off in his explaination, stumbling in his words and feet. Sehun wraps an arm around Jongin's waist to steady him, but he feels like he needs the anchor more than a drunk Jongin. “We can move in together, share the rent. It'll be better than living separately.”  
  
Sehun tilts his head at Jongin, he isn't sure if this is the alcohol talking or Jongin's genuine words but he gets an answer when Jongin gazes at him, worry in the lines around his mouth and sincerity lingering in his irises.  
  
“Isn't it too fast?” Sehun still wants to take a step back, is still hoping for a boat to arrive to send him back to shore.  
  
But Jongin wouldn't allow that. He scrunches his nose, “Too fast?” His grip in Sehun's shirt goes slack for a second before he tightens it even more. “That shouldn't even matter, we are just moving in, Sehun. But since you're on that page, I like you a whole hell lot and I don't think it's too fast, it's too slow.”  
  
He jabs a finger into Sehun's cheek, as menacingly as he could but the alcohol is still in control of him, making him lazier in his moves. “You're slow, Sehun.”  
  
The adrenaline is still rushing in Sehun's veins, the alcohol taking over his system, drowning it in impulsiveness as he leans into Jongin's body, trapping him against the wall. He ducks his head down, closing the distance between but not quite. His breath ghosts over Jongin's full lips, and the writer tenses for a second before leaning into Sehun's taller body, his knee fitting into the gap of Sehun's thighs.  
  
There's a honk on the streets, a burst of laughter in a street down, a clash of glasses on the floor but it doesn't drown out the _“I like you a whole hell lot too”_ Sehun whispers into Jongin's mouth. Jongin growls, grabbing a fistful of Sehun's hair at the mention of those words. Sehun becomes focused on the feel of Jongin's lips against him, moving in sync and biting on all of his weak points to drawl moans out of his throat. There's still alcohol breathing in his veins, coursing through Sehun's body, but he feels sober, kissing and swallowing all of Jongin's whimpers with his lips.

 

* * *

  
  
_September 9th 2014_   
  


“Break a leg, Sehun!” Sunyoung, the female protagonist calls out from the other end in a hushed tone. A bright smile follows after, with a thumbs up.  
  
Sunyoung has always made Sehun feel better, patting him on the back, going the extra length to put a smile on everyone's faces. Sehun lets out a sigh, trying to ease the tension weaved too tightly into his bones, trying to bubble the piece of positivity Sunyoung has gifted him into his heart. It is helping somehow, when he thinks of lighter, happier things such as Jongin's toothy smile, the small peck on Sehun's cheek everyday by Jongin's lips, the crescents of Baekhyun's eyes, his mother's singing voice and the flowers he used to grow outside his window in his hometown.  
  
Still, his heart is beating albeit too fast and it is all common for someone who is about to step on stage but Sehun is not unfamiliar with the feeling of a thousand eyes on him, the dimming lights on his character, the dramatic gasp of the audience along with the climax of the play. Sehun should be used to it by now, he should be wearing the confidence of a main protagonist, not the side character who occasionally holds the backdrop there and then.  
  
The lights are turning, finding their positions to shine on stage. The stage director, Jinki, nods at his assistant before flashing a thumbs up at all the characters on stand-by. Sehun is leaning against the wall, hands clammy and throat dry. He almost wants to exclaim to ask Jinki to wait as he grabs a sip from his bottled water but the theatre does not wait for anyone, nor does the audience who have paid ten bucks to watch this play on action. One of the side characters, standing before him, Matt or something clasps on his shoulder, grinning like as if they are about to step on stage for a comedy slap show and not a serious play about war and love.  
  
“Everyone, ready in ten seconds!” Jinki whispers as loudly as he could. He waves his favoured blue pen around, pointing at all of the characters, “Good luck and don't fuck this up, this is my last chance.”  
  
Everyone nods solemnly, including Sehun but it all feels robotic. He tugs on his golden sleeves, takes a sharp intake of breath when the lights grow subdued, focusing on three spots on the stage. Matt or something erases the grin from his face and steps onto the stage with the others. Sehun watches as he does an elaborated intake of breath and the curtains begin to draw away, revealing the stage props and finally, the play everyone has been working hard on.  
  
Sehun counts down in his head, from thirty seconds just like Jinki asked him to. There is a polite applause from the audience, welcoming the show. The characters begin to speak, adding emotions to the words they memorised from the script. Sehun continues to count, it's coming, he has to take his first five steps now.  
  
He tries to keep his breathing laboured, tries to focus on the stage instead of the audience but he feels his heart yearning to look out for once, to search for the familiar brown mop of hair he has run his fingers through countless times, the crooked smile he has kissed multiple times, the usual wave of excitement at the sight of Sehun acting on stage and not a practice at home.  
  
Sehun has to speak now, but his eyes are too busy searching the audience. He hears Sunyoung say her lines mildly, it all seems so far away. His eyes are going through the third row now, he keeps telling himself that Jongin's there, he is there, he should be there. Sehun's going to see the boy he loves holding a bouquet of lilies like always, with the widest grin on his face and the excitement of a ten year old boy in his eyes, sitting on the seat he has bought a ticket for.  
  
“ _I can never be in love with anyone else other than Prince Nathaniel,_ ” Sunyoung recites, adding a sigh of adoration to her dialogue. She emphasises her words by holding a hand to her cheek, closing her eyes softly and slowly like a film set on slow motion, ending it with a tiny quirk of her lips.  
  
It's Sehun's cue to say his dialogue, his monologue at the beginning of the play but his eyes are on the first row, three seats away from the end and there hasn't been a sign of Jongin yet. He's hoping with all of his heart that Jongin's sitting on the last seat, although he knows deep within that the boy wouldn't pick a seat that far from stage. Sehun's merely playing his cards and throwing all of his hope into the possibility of Jongin running late, buying a ticket at the very last minute and having to settle for the last seat in the house. Then, Sehun's eyes run over the last seat on the row, the last seat in the theatre, and it's a woman in her mid-thirties with curls running down her shoulder and hands clasped together on top of her lap with anticipation written all over her features.  
  
Jongin has missed his show. For the third time despite Sehun constantly reminding him of the name of his play, the venue, the synopsis.  
  
 _“I'm starring in a play called Forbidden-”  
  
“Ah, a carbon copy of Romeo and Juliet, I see?” Jongin interrupts, eyes still fixated on his journal. His pen is moving fast, scribbling words across the paper. Sehun tries once more to take a peek but Jongin nudges him in the ribcage, pushing him away.  
  
“Oh shut up, this play is set later than Shakespeare's time. I'm a prince, you see,” Sehun retaliates by biting on Jongin's earlobe. The writer winces but his eyes aren't lifting off the journal.  
  
“And thou fell in love with a pauper, Sehun?”  
  
Sehun leans back against his chair, giving up in his attempts of making Jongin look at him. He frowns at Jongin's words, “Are you going to watch me act or not?”  
  
“Of course, I would. I'm not called your biggest fan for nothing.”  
  
“The Victoria Theatre, promise?” Sehun is biting his lip, there's doubt laced in his voice and Jongin pauses in his tracks, dropping the pen. It lands on the paper with a soft thud as Jongin finally looks at Sehun, searching his eyes. Jongin sighs, rubbing the tip of his nose exasperatedly. He leans towards Sehun, touching his cheek gingerly with the ink marks still on the pad of his index finger. Sehun's too invested in Jongin's eyes to even care about the ink stain it's going to leave on his skin.  
  
“Promise. Have some faith in me, will you?”_  
  
Sehun's heart falls, and he realises a beat too late that his part is five seconds later than usual. He parts his lips, feeling the cut of his shattered heart prick him in his throat, another gash he has to treat later in the confinement and solidarity of his apartment. Sehun feels the rest of his body going numb from pain, this is what he's used to, unfortunately. Not the lights of the life on theatre, but the pain that comes with love and too much hope.  
  
His voice sounds awfully bitter unlike the intimidating tone he is supposed to adopt for his character. Sehun's too immersed in the heartbreak to change his voice, and he could envision Jinki shaking his head at him behind the curtains. Sehun's hands are shaking in tremor behind his back, and his voice has a slight tremble to it but his eyes hold sharply at the audience just like the pieces of his heart.  
  
 _“Prince Nathaniel, the heir to the throne. No, your grace, I would never fall for a commoner like Delilah.”_

 

* * *

 

 

  
_July 16th 2013_

 

Jongin's holding the gift he gave to Sehun for his birthday between his two fingers and he reaches for Sehun's left hand, the ring held before the fourth finger, waiting, anticipating for an answer. Sehun's irises widen, the echo of Jongin's words ringing in his ears.

Tears prick Sehun's eyes, threatening to spill down his cheeks in rivers. His vision is growing misty with every second that passes. The boy he loves kneels before him, breathing heavily after the words he had marathoned through with love embedded in his tone. Sehun feels warmth wrapping around him like a blanket, and it's not from the sun of the summer.

He braces himself, sinking to his knees as well. His knees are hurting, his heart is pounding against the cage he has built around it. Sehun's hand shakily grabs Jongin's hand that is holding the ring; it's simple, the diamond is cut small into a gem on the top of the circle, a familiar sight. They are now both trembling in each other's hold, and Sehun's laughing suddenly because it's ridiculous, it's absolutely ridiculous.

Why would Jongin even ask such a question when the answer is so painfully obvious in the daylight, in the moonlight, even in the black of the darkness?

Sehun blinks, his tears finally breaking free, flowing down his cheeks. Jongin frowns at the sight, his thumb is trembling against Sehun's cheeks as he tries to wipe the tears clean from his skin. Sehun merely smiles, his lips quivering.

“J-Jongin,” Sehun stutters, breaking out into giggles again. He feels Jongin touching his left hand tenderly, holding the ring out, pausing in front of the fourth finger. Jongin's eyes are expectant, waiting for the answer with the upward curl of his lips with all the light dazzling on the cracks of his chapped lips. The memory reel of Jongin's presence in Sehun's life plays like a film behind his eyes, and all he could feel at the moment is the intensity and depth of his love for the writer. It runs deep like blood in his veins, like the air he has to breathe.

Sehun inhales shakily, the tremble is obvious in his voice. His vision is getting clearer and there's concern in Jongin's eyes. Sehun is close to smacking his lips on Jongin's at the absurdity of the situation, of life.

There's nothing he would say no to when it comes to Kim Jongin, he should be aware of that.

So he whispers against the chirping of the birds, the buzzing of the bees, the soft rustling of the leaves against the little breeze that has arrived to bless them in the season of humidity.

“ _Yes, you absolute idiot. Yes, yes, yes, yes._ ”

* * *

 

  
_October 13th 2011_

 

It is four in the afternoon, Autumn is beginning to show in the glimpse of his window; the magnificent hues of brown and orange, the leaves splattered all over the streets and backyards, the slight cold in the air, not too icy to freeze one over but not too humid to break into a sweat. Autumn has always been Jongin's favourite season whilst Sehun loves spring and its flowers.

Sehun's feeling too cosy at the moment, clad in his favourite jumper and sweatpants. He had spent the entire morning with his older brother in the city and right now, he just wants to snuggle up to his bolster and stare into blank space.

His moment of bliss gets interrupted by a doorbell and the noise of someone opening the front door. It doesn't take Sehun very long to recognise the rushed footsteps through the apartment, bursting into the room with a voice he is too familiar with.

"Sehun, Sehun, _Sehun,_ " Jongin, the intruder of Sehun's contentment, exclaims in joy. Sehun merely turns over, blinks sleepily at the writer who is watching him with wide eyes and his smile beaming with such excitement that Sehun actually sits up from his position on the bed. Jongin is literally jumping on his heels, his grin is too wide for his face, tearing it apart with every second passing.

Sehun chuckles lightly, raking a hand through his messy mop of hair, "What is it? Didn't you say you were attending some sort of lecture or festival or ...something?"

Jongin nods vigorously, "It was a writers' festival and I was attending a lecture by this English professor who is a part-time editor." Jongin takes a deep breath before continuing, Sehun almost laughs at the excitement coursing through Jongin's veins. It is shown in his limbs, his too delirious eyes. "Remember how I sent my draft to like-"

"Ten thousand publishing companies? Yeah, I remember," Sehun interrupts while Jongin whines at him, "Not ten  
thousand!"

"It's the same thing," Sehun laughs, nodding at the writer, "Go on."

Jongin pouts, the energy from before is lesser now that he has calmed down slightly but it is still making him jump. The pout disappears as quickly as it appeared, to another grin of his though it's a bit subdued from before. "As I was saying, that professor is actually from one of the companies I sent my draft to and he recognised me when I talked to him about my shit."

Jongin begins to smile wider, the gaps of his teeth and his canines are all on show for Sehun to gaze in wonder at. His eyes are in crescents, his ears are tingling and Sehun's curious. He blurts out loudly, "Long story short, my draft is picked! I'm publishing a fucking book!"

It's Sehun's turn to widen his eyes in shock. He's suddenly frozen all over, watching Jongin jump again in excitement like a five year old kid being told that he is going to the zoo.

It's an understatement to say that Sehun's happy and proud of Jongin. He feels way more than that and there aren't words to emphasise how ecstatic he is for Jongin (well Sehun's not a writer, in any case). He wouldn't say he has been there from the first day Jongin picked up a pen and paper and decided to write his own fiction but he would say that he has been a dedicated supporter ever since he knew Jongin. He has been a witness of the writer's struggles, pushing him on to write till the very last word of his draft. Sehun has been the one filling Jongin's self esteem about his writing with praises and reassurance.

And to witness his growth and his road to success paving this way? Sehun is more than just proud and ecstatic for the writer.

Sehun's eyes begin to water as he rushes over to Jongin to envelope him in a crushing hug. He's muttering the word 'Congratulations' over and over again under his breath, into the shell of Jongin's ear. He wonders how Jongin's feeling right now because Sehun, himself, feels like he's about to burst from all the emotions his heart is going through. He pulls back to crash his lips onto Jongin, the barrier of his tears crushing under pressure, giving way to the tears for them to flow down his cheeks in streams. Jongin's laughing into the kiss, and he pulls away to pepper more kisses over  
Sehun's wet cheeks, the tip of his nose and his eyelashes.

"Why are you crying?" Jongin chuckles, brushing his fingers over Sehun's cheeks, constantly rubbing soothing circles on them. Sehun sighs into his palm, leaning against his hand. He chuckles as well, his vision is still cloudy with a few more tears at bay but the smile on his lips tugging up and upwards is refusing to let them out.

"I'm just so," Sehun clicks his tongue against the back of his teeth, frustrated with his choice of words. How does Jongin live, being a writer? How is he even able to connect words to actions and creating an art from it on a piece of paper? Sehun could never understand the patience and strength writers have. He's an actor for a reason, preferring the visual and ability to utter words and showcase a certain action or emotion without a description to follow through. Sehun gazes into Jongin's eyes, the writer he has learnt to love through the months of being together and maybe, just maybe, he has learnt to appreciate the art of words due to this boy's ability to weave them into a beauty.

"I'm really, _really_ happy for you, Jongin," Sehun whispers, and he feels a shiver running through Jongin's body. His fingers are trembling against Sehun's cheeks and he could see a few tears watering Jongin's eyes.

Jongin breaks into a lovely peal of laughter, those tears are spilling down his cheeks now and Sehun catches them with a few kisses of his own on Jongin's skin.

Sehun holds Jongin tightly to his chest, wrapping his arms around the writer's body, feeling the warmth he always carries with him. Sehun nudges his nose against Jongin, making the latter squirm in embarrassment at his own shed tears. His smile is softer at the corners now, less ecstatic and delirious from before. Sehun leans forward to peck a few kisses down Jongin's cheekbones, tasting the salt in his tears.

Another tear falls and Sehun catches him no matter what, Jongin smiles with sincerity in the stretch of his lips.

"Thank you," he whispers in the few inches between Sehun and him. "You've always believed in me and I'm just really glad to share this with you, out of everyone."

And Sehun's falling instead, like the tear drop from Jongin's eyes, hanging by a thread on his cheeks. All Sehun hopes for is a lifesaver when he drowns in the brown irises he gazes into right now, and wistfully wishing that it's the same pair of arms that is anchoring him and his weak knees from the soft thud of the floor.

* * *

 

_November 24th 2014_

 

 

"Thank you for coming this afternoon," Jongin flashes a smile at the line of cameras at the side and the small audience.

There is a clap of applause following Jongin's words, Sehun joins in, unable to fight the smile creeping onto his face at the popularity of his husband. Jongin's eyes wander to the back of the bookstore at the small stream of people entering the store, "Also, to those who are joining us involuntarily, I'm Kim Jongin, the author of 'Marigold'. If you're interested, you can stay to have a chat about my book or you could browse around the store for better books."

Laughter grows, and Jongin delights himself in a smug grin. It is shocking to see Jongin being outgoing and freely talking to an audience this way. Sehun has been here for every single one of his events and the development of his character on that small podium has increased immensely from the shy, fiddly author to the confident, aloof author standing before Sehun now. He can't tease Jongin anymore for his habit of stepping on his toes on stage when he's being nervous. The boy stands with his shoulders straightened and an easy smile on his face now; a clear evidence of the changes he has gone through the years of being an established writer.

Sehun is proud, needless to say, to see his husband being comfortable in the limelight.

It's the press event of his book where Jongin is able to sit down and talk to reporters about his book that is going on the shelves all over the city. Sehun sits idly in the back where he could see Jongin best. The writer listens to the questions being asked by the reporters, and answers as obediently and accurately as he could without giving them anything to jab at later on in the papers. The cameras follow every line of his movement, scrutinising him under lens. It must be exhausting, Sehun can't even imagine.

“So, Mr. Kim,” one of the reporter starts, a pen tapping against the clipboard. “'Marigold' is another novel with a flower as its title, what made you title another novel by a flower again?”

Jongin's eyes are tired, Sehun could see that even from the seat he's on. The writer smiles, like he has been expecting the question, and parts his lips to reply a rehearsed answer, “My obsession with flower symbolism, that's it.” There is laughter following his answer, his smile deepens at the sound, “This time, a marigold symbolises pain and cruelty.”

"Is that what the novel is about?" A reporter speaks up, her voice daring. "Is it another one of your romance novels?"

Jongin laughs, most probably at the reporter's boldness. "No, not really. It is a compilation of failed relationships, and the male protagonist goes through the pain of it, thus the meaning of 'marigold'. But mainly, it's about his growth from that part of his life."

The same reporter prods on, pushing at Jongin's buttons, "How is that not a romance novel?"

Sehun could see Jongin fighting the urge to roll his eyes dramatically in front of the reporter but he has to remember that there are indeed, cameras to catch even a slight roll of his eyes. He merely inhales, and answers as calmly as he could, "It's not a romance novel because it's about life. Romance is a part of life and my protagonist decided that it was his entire life."

"That's very smart, Kim Jongin," another reporter says, cutting the others off in their haste to praise Jongin. "Would you read out a snippet of it?"

Jongin glances at his publicist at the corner and Sehun witnesses Minseok giving him the 'okay' sign, letting him go on.

Jongin picks his book up from the table and Sehun straightens up in his seat, perking up to hear the snippet coming out of Jongin's lips. He hasn't had the opportunity to read Jongin's drafts before they are published, deciding that he wants to read it along with the rest of the population. Jongin always insists on making him read his drafts, wanting him to comment on the flaws of his work before it goes under the knife but Sehun has always been a stubborn person, keeping his word.

The writer clears his throat, and the media is hanging by every breath he takes, anticipating patiently. He flips through the pages, eyes scanning the words, trying to find a snippet appropriate for a sneak peek. He stops, halfway deep into the book and he takes an intake of breath, eyes flitting upwards and meeting Sehun's for a second but the glance is as fast as it came, leaving Sehun all cold over.

" _It's ticking. The hours are passing and his heart is still beating. It's a wonder, he wants to say, how our hearts work. They help us breathe, help us live, but when we are given the biggest obstacle on the road we embark on, the ache it brings, the pain it hits, the shatter of our heart is almost too difficult to withstand,_ " Jongin pauses, breathing in noisily through his nostrils. The entire bookstore is silent, Sehun realises. Everyone is hanging on to every single word he says, he has everyone's attention in the palm of his hand.

" _And the inevitable end of this relationship is no exception. The love he has for Sarah is still bubbling through his system, but the resentment is higher, the anger is alive, breathing red into his vision when he looks at the woman he has spent five years with. Five years, and all for nothing._ "

The entire bookstore erupts into applause. Praises for Jongin spill from every reporter's mouth, bathing the writer in wonder-laced compliments about his writing. Everyone is in awe of his writing, it's in the air as the claps grow insistently loud. He is sporting a small smile, surprise evident in the uncertain tug of his lips, the widening of his irises at the reaction. He bows low, thanking everyone with gratitude shown in his voice.

Sehun sits, back straightened against the chair, watching Jongin from his view at the back of the store. His heart is thumping against his chest, the words Jongin has read out wrapping around his head, trying to decipher the meaning, the story that has been Jongin's muse. He ponders over the words, echoing in his mind, deepening the gash in his heart.

_Nothing, nothing, all for nothing._

Sehun stands up from his seat, grabbing his satchel and rushing out of the store without a glance in Jongin's direction. He is beginning to find it hard to breathe in a city filled with crowds in every street corner, paving his way through bodies and searching for the place he calls home.

_Five years. Nothing._

Home, Sehun crumbles, his heart losing the air it needs to beat, his chest bruising red from the cuts of Jongin's written words, digging deep into his skin, finding its target to kill.

  
Home is where Jongin should be.

 

* * *

  
_September 3rd 2013_

 

Baekhyun tugs on his tie, tightening it around his collar even more. Sehun can't breathe, there are beads of perspiration flowing down the side of his temple, and he can't think straight. There are no other thoughts on his mind other than one more hour.

  
One more hour. The aisle. Wedding.

His teeth sinks down on his bottom lip, marking another bite on his too chapped lips. Baekhyun has grown tired of applying the chapstick on Sehun's lips, it is evident in the way he lets out a defeated sigh, overlooking Sehun's habit and brushing lint off the lapels of Sehun's black suit jacket. Everything is too tight on him, and he could only blame Baekhyun for that as the elder had volunteered to order the suits from a tailor he trusts, reassuring Jongin and Sehun both of his judgment.

" _Trust me," Baekhyun says and Jongin scoffs next to Sehun, masking the sound with a cough when Baekhyun's eyes shoot a glare in his direction, through the mirror. Sehun is frankly too exhausted at this point to even laugh at their childish behaviour. "Aren't I like, the best dressed in our group?"_

_Jongin doesn't bother to hide his snot, though, rolling his eyes at Baekhyun. Sehun could see the glare firing up in Baekhyun's irises and at this second, it's Sehun's job to warn Jongin of the danger he's about to dive into and lead him to a path of no harm but Sehun has done his job of tolerating these two while discussing wedding plans so that is all Sehun could give right now._

_"You're only best dressed because you're constantly next to either Kyungsoo or Chanyeol."_

_Baekhyun squeaks out of surprise, mouth falling open in disbelief. He is so dramatic, Sehun thinks bitterly as he leans against the seat of the car. All he could hope for right now is that Baekhyun would be sane enough to drive and not too overwhelmed by anger to drive headfirst into an accident to kill them both._

There's the usual anxiety rising in Sehun's throat, choking him, leaving him no air to breathe in properly. The room suddenly feels too small and he wants, he wants to leave. The suit feels all too small on him, he can't even stand on his two legs without a possibility of him falling and bruising his knees through the thin fabric of his trousers. He sits down, knees still trembling and his hands feel clammy, even when they are clasped together and shivering like there's a winter storm brewing in the room he's held in before the wedding.

The wedding. Jongin. Marriage.

It's not that he doesn't want to marry Jongin. There are no words to even express the love Sehun has bubbling in his chest for this boy, there is no end to it. Yet the idea of marriage scares him, the fear of commitment cripples his thoughts, the voices are whispering and whispering. He can't do this, he can't. Commitments aren't his thing. What if the flame burns out one day, and he's left with no one? What if the flame lives but none of them could? What if the flame was never even there in the first place and they are rushing headfirst into serious matters without even thinking with all of the impulsiveness of a sixteen year old in love. Sehun has been sixteen once, and he has never been in love this way. Is this what his youth must have felt like? Wind rustling through your hair, waking up to wish for a pair of arms embracing you, craving and living for the kisses pressed on your skin?

Is this marriage even going to be more than just a candle light? Or is it a firestorm at hand?

"Stop," Baekhyun says, his fingers curling into Sehun's shoulder, massaging a tense point there. Sehun relaxes just a slight bit, leaning into his best man's touch. "Stop thinking so hard. Your eyebrows might fall off."

"Haha,” Sehun deadpans, but the tension in his heart muscles loosens at Baekhyun's light jest. His lips part, hesitantly speaking, "What if... what if this is not meant to be, Baek?"

Sehun lets his eyes flick upwards, meeting Baekhyun's stormy ones. His lips are pursued in deep thought as he ponders on Sehun's question. His heart is almost falling, filled with worry that his best man won't even have an answer because he's unsure as well.

"It may be that case but what's important is you two make it work," Baekhyun answers, eyes poring into Sehun with all the solemnity that he doesn't usually possess as a quality. Sehun nods, the words trying to register in his mind but the voices, their hands keep throwing Baekhyun's words out, casting them as unwelcoming.

Sehun needs a piece of sanity.

"You will be okay," Baekhyun continues, both of his hands are on Sehun's shoulders and he has moved to the back so Sehun couldn't see the expression his best man is donning at the moment. 'He'll be okay and you two are going to be fine."

Baekhyun's head leans forward, his chin tickling Sehun's shoulder through the fabric of the jacket. His mouth is so near to Sehun's ear, that his next set of words is dropped to a whisper, with the intention of soothing the anxiety building in Sehun's heart and warming the pair of cold feet Sehun has on his wedding day.

"The two of you are going to be okay, I promise."

And Sehun tries to keep that in mind as he stands at the end of the aisle, on the pillar with Baekhyun next to him. He feels his lips part in astonishment, his fast pace of his heart slowing down at the sight of Jongin walking down the aisle, looking suave in a white suit. His hair is gelled back, eyes clearer than the blue skies outside of the church. Sehun feels Baekhyun's pat on his shoulder and a little shove to get his feet moving to the front where Jongin now stands.

The shock must have been so evident on Sehun's features that Jongin tries to stifle the giggles from spilling out of his lips. He smiles shyly and places his fingers tenderly on Sehun's wrist, drumming them against his skin for a few seconds before pulling away. Sehun's lips ease into a smile at Jongin and he realises he has been worrying for absolutely nothing. He loves Jongin. Jongin loves him. They are going to be just fine.

Sehun can feel the flame burning bright on the palm of his hand, crackling every time Jongin smiles at him, scarring his skin.

The flame grows, hues of orange and red mixing in together and then the priest says, the beginning of the ceremony, the beginning of their forever.

“ _Let's begin._ ”

 

* * *

_June 25th 2015_

 

There's a crack of the door opening, the light from the hallway outside peeking into the dark apartment and the soft sound of padded footsteps from the door towards the living room, clicking the door closed. Curtains are closed, blocking the view of the starry sky outside, blocking the world out, isolating the apartment from outside.

He peeks an eye open, his sight is already adjusted to the darkness he lives in, and he catches the silhouette of a too familiar figure padding towards him timidly and with uncertain steps.

“I thought you've forgotten about the apartment,” Sehun speaks up, traces of bitterness are found in his voice and he doesn't bother to hide it. He doesn't bother at all.

He's exhausted, frankly. His eyes hold heavy, dark circles underneath laced with his moroseness and sleep depravity. Sehun doesn't even know what to do other than breathe and try to live through another day without another soul in the apartment, without the half of his own soul in the place he has called home. It feels suffocating with all the dust particles in the air along with the melancholy breathing along the cracks in the ceilings and walls, and of course, Sehun's heart. He has tried to go out, tried to talk to his best friends, tried to find refuge somewhere else such as his acting career but that has been a broken path from the beginning.

So he really has nothing else.

Jongin tenses up, stumbles in his steps over to Sehun. He doesn't get up from his lying position, all curled up under a thin blanket. He's too exhausted to even say a thing, and he can't find the will to say anything sugar-coated anymore. Jongin has left him, he _left_.

“I wrote you a note,” is all Jongin says to defend himself and Sehun doesn't even resist the urge to scoff, the sound spilling out easily without even trying to think it through.

Sehun's tired of thinking. He did that too much over the course of weeks and the outcome hasn't been pretty.

Jongin's words spark a certain kind of fury in Sehun as he throws the blanket off him and gets up, stepping closer to Jongin. It makes him stutter slightly in his anger as the boy looks the exact same, like he hasn't been affected at all by the distance. He still looks composed, handsome and fucking calm. The anger rises in Sehun's heart, boiling on a high now at the sight of Jongin so utterly fine and here Sehun is, wrecked and bruised by his act.

He jabs a finger into Jongin's chest, trying to contain the sobs from breaking out. “You fucking _left_ , Jongin and just wrote me a note? How the hell do you expect me to react?”

Jongin raises an eyebrow, looks down to the finger pricking his shirt and his eyes wanders back to Sehun's, holding an intense gaze. He sighs, like this is nothing to him, it's a waste of time, this fight is a waste of time, “Are you that upset? It's not like I'm dead!”

He mutters softly under his breath, thinking Sehun couldn't hear but the boy has been used to picking up small sounds in the dark, shelving them into a box, “How _typical_ of a melodramatic actor.”

Sehun takes a step back, the knife is lodged in his chest and he has taken a blow to his lifeline. It's slicing through his heart, cutting off his air, cutting off _everything_. He could still feel it though, the sharp end of the knife poking into the most vital, sensitive organ of his system, stabbing right where his emotions lie. It is going to scar more than any kind of wound, a huge cut over his chest, gushing out blood.

He whispers, so softly with disbelief evident in his voice. There is no strength on Sehun's end, Jongin wins just like what he wanted, just like fucking always and Sehun is always left, defeated and hurt on the wooden floor at the expense of the boy he loves.

“Did you literally just-?” Sehun shakes his head, unbelieving. His voice is strained, it hurts to even talk to Jongin. “You think it was nothing, don't you?”

When Jongin doesn't answer, Sehun pulls out the knife from his chest, laughing humourlessly as it drops to the floor with a loud clang. “You never cared, you think it's alright to leave your _fucking husband alone in the apartment for weeks?!_ ”

Jongin's voice is low, warning implied in his tone, “I don't want to fight, Sehun.”

Sehun scrunches up his nose, it's disgusting to even witness this, to even care at all but his heart, even when it's bleeding, is still beating and thumping against his ribcage for the writer he has learnt to love years ago.

“Tell me, Jongin,” Sehun whispers, eyes watering at this point. His voice is shaking, his hands are shaking, he's too careless with his heart. “Did the distance even matter? Or were you too blissed out, fuckin-”

“Could you just fucking shut up?” Jongin lashes out at him, his eyes are burning a bright red and Sehun wants to laugh once more at the ridiculous fight they are having. Jongin doesn't even care, this is nothing. This is nothing. Leaving Sehun for a few weeks had been nothing to him. It's all just melodramatic and absolutely unnecessary to Jongin.

A _burden_ , that's what Sehun is to him, he realises with a pang. The revelation of it all spins around in his head and he chuckles, ducking his head low to hide the tears breaking out, flowing down his cheeks. Jongin has won.

Sehun retreats backwards, grabbing his keys and wallet from the dining table. There's still a smile on his face but it's void of any happiness just like this place is to him, just like everything in this apartment. He would include Jongin as well but the memories, the flashbacks of their shared bliss are too bright in the rearview of his mind, still fresh like the open wound on his chest.

Perhaps, that's why it's hurting Sehun too much. He hasn't forgotten, not yet, not ever. And there Jongin stands, hands shoved into his pockets, aloofness expressed on his features, thinking that the pain that he has caused Sehun is _nothing_.

Then, Sehun decides for himself, that he shall be nothing to Jongin.

He turns the knob in his hand, opening a crack just enough for him to slip through. Sehun doesn't say a word, doesn't bother to look back though he wants to, just to keep a piece of Jongin in his mind despite everything.

And he leaves, pieces of his shattered heart tracing his footsteps.

 

* * *

_August 16th 2010_

 

“How's Jongin?” That's how Baekhyun casually slips in the question as he and Sehun lean against the bar counter, watching Kyungsoo wipe tables in time for the opening of the Kitchen.

They were supposed to be helping but knowing that Sehun is absolutely lazy and Baekhyun is utterly incompetent in doing any type of work, Kyungsoo decides to shoo them away to the side while he works on cleaning the entire bar himself, with a little help from the bartender, Yixing even though he's not supposed to come in until an hour later.

Sehun accidentally chokes on his drink, almost sputtering the liquid out as Baekhyun looks at from the corner of his eye with a knowing gaze while sipping on his straw. Baekhyun, with a smug expression on his face, continues without even hearing Sehun's answer, “So there _is_ something going on, huh?”

The coughing finally stops and Sehun mutters a sarcastic 'thank you' to Baekhyun. The elder's smirk grows, and Sehun slaps his arm, cutting the smirk off into a wince. Sehun smiles, wiping the side of his mouth with the back of his hand, “Nothing's going on. We just meet up and hang out sometimes.”

“Ah, kids these days...” Baekhyun raises a suggestive brow, adding air quotes to his words, “ _'hang out'_?”

“Will you just stop?” Sehun's cheeks are reddening and he could feel the heat rising up, splattering his skin with a tinge of redness. He curses his pale skin and the light in the Kitchen as Baekhyun's smirk deepens, witnessing Sehun's abashment. It's embarrassing, Baekhyun's embarrassing, how does Kyungsoo keep up with him?

“Not until you admit it,” Baekhyun nudges him, his elbow tickling Sehun's ribs. He shoves Baekhyun away. “Jongin hasn't said anything but his shyness is practically an answer to the question.”

Sehun pauses, freezes in his tracks as Baekhyun's words register in his mind, a red light going off as his heart picks up pace at the meaning behind those words. A corner of his mouth twitches upwards at the thought of Jongin being shy when asked about him, at the thought of Jongin at all. Sehun shyly ducks his head to hide the smile but he knows it's a wasted effort when his best friend of a decade has caught the upward stretch of his lips.

“ _Whatever_ ,” the lilt in Sehun's voice gives him away, he knows it but he can't help himself when thoughts of the writer bring him utmost happiness and it's like falling in love at a young age, wondering and fantasising. “Yeah there _might_ be something but it's not for sure or anyt-”

Baekhyun interrupts him as he throws his arms around Sehun, forcefully pulling him into a crushing hug. Sehun almost couldn't breathe, the scent of Baekhyun's cologne invading his senses and almost making him choke on the lack of air. He tries to tell Baekhyun that but the boy doesn't give him a chance to, merely squeezes him even further.

“I'm so happy to see you happy,” Baekhyun exclaims, eyes bright and wide with the rectangular grin of his plastered on his face at the sight of Sehun being so shy about Jongin as well. The crinkles by his eyes soften as he says in a dazed tone, “I'm glad that Jongin is able to make you this happy.”

Sehun laughs, his heart bursting with all of the warmth from the sun. He murmurs just as Baekhyun embraces him again, nose snuggling into Sehun's neck, “Just as long as you don't say 'I told you so'.”

Baekhyun pulls back, the corners of his mouth are filled with all the playfulness of an excited puppy. He chuckles, “Ah! Right. _I told you so._ ”

Sehun hits him again, this time, on his back just to spite him and delight himself in seeing his best friend coughing instead.

But the real source of happiness lies within his mind, where a box of memories revolving around Jongin is.

 

* * *

_April 12th 2013_

 

The streets of London are littered with people, holding bags of their own shopping trips, hanging onto their companion's arm. Tourists and Londoners alike, walk together on the streets, mixed while the only difference that separates them is the gasp of surprise that falls out of tourists' lips, as the trademarks are permanently imprinted into Londoners' minds.

Sehun hasn't stopped gawking at the scenery surrounding him, he has never imagined that he would ever step foot into a city like London. The simplicity of the city with its elegance and the history of the city embedded into every corner, it's all too much of a sight to take in within a day. Actually, too many things have happened within a day and Sehun hasn't stopped for a second to take it all in, he has always been on the run. Now, he overlooks the railing that separates him from the river and he tries to breathe in the crisp air, indulging in the scent of perfumes and colognes coming from the row of shops close by.

When Jongin woke him up yesterday with a luggage packed and two tickets slipped into their passports, Sehun wasn't sure if it was a prank or a dream. He allowed himself to be dragged to the showers, washing himself away, sleepiness still crusted in the corners of his eyes. It took him close to half an hour while they were on the drive to the airport that it was really happening, Jongin was bringing him somewhere unknown and they were going on a plane together.

His first thought had been eloping and he questioned Jongin almost to death about the location. Sehun isn't sure why he wasted his breath when they were going to find out eventually when they reached the gates and he would hear the announcement of his flight through the speakers. Jongin would merely shake his head in laughter, and continued to steer the wheel, heading straight for the airport.

Sehun stepped into the gates with a single thought; London. It flooded his entire mind, he began to imagine the city, anticipate his first few steps into a foreign city far away from New York and fantasise about the things he would do there with Jongin. _Jongin_ , who made it all possible for Sehun to even travel such a long distance to another continent, a far away city. _Jongin_ , who could prepare such a surprise for Sehun without even dropping a single hint. _Jongin_ , who would go through all the difficulties and go to all the lengths to make Sehun's birthday special. _Jongin, Jongin, Jongin,_ the one who is the first to ever think of such a gift for Sehun.

His heart swells at the thought of Jongin, who is currently capturing pictures of the scenery with a disposable camera that he would develop later on. Sehun sighs in bliss, feeling the wind carry the worries and troubles of New York away and replacing those burdened thoughts with happiness and Kim Jongin.

His birthday is perfect, every bit of perfect.

Sehun had walked out of the airport, feeling the air of London him in the face, making it more realistic than ever. He turned towards Jongin who was lagging behind him with the luggage hot on his heels. Sehun grabbed Jongin towards him, crashed his lips onto his, mouth opening against Jongin's just to allow his tongue to slide in between their mouths attached together. Jongin had his hand on Sehun's waist, thumb rubbing on the exposed skin of his cropped top and Sehun was cupping Jongin's cheeks, kissing into him as deeply as he could.

When Sehun pulled away, Jongin looked every bit dazed, eyes glazed over with lust and Sehun chuckled, whispering, “Thank you for this.”

Sehun doesn't even know how to thank Jongin enough. He woke up on the morning of his birthday due to Jongin's position on him. He blinked sleepily, squinting under the rays of sunlight coursing through the peek of the curtains. He attempted to smile at Jongin above him, though he was sure it was a grimace at the invading sunlight. Jongin merely smirked at him, the curl of his lips screamed mischief at Sehun and it should have been a warning, a clue to why Jongin was above him in that manner but he was still in disbelief over the fact that he was breathing in London air and it couldn't get any better than this.

He was wrong. So, so wrong.

Jongin crawled downwards, until he was face to face with Sehun's clothed groin. He cupped Sehun's cock through the boxers, teeth peeking out of his smirk at the sound of Sehun's groan. His nimble fingers, teasing as usual, picked the waistband of Sehun's shorts between two fingers, and snapped it against Sehun's stomach. Sehun groaned once more, almost shouting at Jongin to “ _hurry the fuck up and quit the tease!_ ”

And, Jongin obeyed.

He pulled Sehun's boxers down in a flash, stared at Sehun's almost full boner for a second before indulging it fully in his mouth. Sehun let out a moan at the way his cock felt in Jongin's mouth, warmth hitting the sensitive skin of his cock. He dug his fingers into the sheets, bucking his hips up, thrusting into Jongin's mouth. Sehun could feel the vibration of Jongin's laughter around the head of his cock, and it sent tingles down Sehun's spine, a lurch down to his stomach. Jongin placed his hands down on Sehun's hipbones, forcefully pushing them down to keep him from deepthroating Jongin.

Sehun's ass rutted against the white hotel sheets, and he wanted Jongin to move, do something but before a whine could escape his lips, Jongin began _sucking_ and kissing the head of his cock all the way down his length. Sehun had his head back, back arched. It was too early for this, too early for Jongin to be blowing him and making him wither at the expense of his touch on Sehun's skin. His fingers tickled Sehun's hipbones, tracing little doodles as he continued sucking Sehun off, a lick and a little squeeze of Sehun's balls. Jongin lightly nibbled on Sehun's cock, making Sehun hiss but it cut off into a low moan when Jongin flicked his thumbs on his balls.

It only took Sehun another kiss at the head and a grab at his balls for him to have his release coming down Jongin's throat.

Jongin pulled away, chuckled, his tone low and raspier than before. Sehun's eyes are darkened, mirroring Jongin's. He tugged on Jongin's ear, pulling him to his face before pecking his lips, and deepening the kiss with their tongues moving together in sync. He tasted himself on the tip of Jongin's tongue but he didn't care.

Jongin laughed into the kiss, eyes brighter than the morning sky, and whispered, “ _Happy birthday, Sehun._ ”

Here they are, standing before the London Eye. Due to Sehun's wish, Jongin purchased the tickets for them, and waved Sehun's protests away of wanting to pay for it with a “ _It's your day, Sehun. I want to treat you. You deserve all of this_ ”.

Jongin steps into the capsule, darting a hand out for Sehun to take in order to follow his steps. Sehun stifles the chuckle, and laughs instead at Jongin's attempt. He takes it anyway, welcoming the warmth that awaits in the press of their hands together. Jongin squeezes his palm, smiling at him and Sehun can't help himself, he shies away from the writer, eyes falling to the ground.

“Why are you treating me like a royal?” Sehun says, instead. Jongin's eyes are still on him, he could feel the gaze burning into his scalp. He focuses his gaze on the ascending of the capsule, reaching further into the sky, grazing the top. “We may be in London but you don't have to act this way, Jongin.”

Sehun flicks his eyes upwards and sees the roll of Jongin's eyes at his words, looking baffled as if the question Sehun had asked was stupid. He pokes Sehun's nose with the tip of his index finger, bewildering Sehun for a second at such a gesture and Jongin laughs at his cross-eyed look.

“Like I said before, you deserve it, every single thing.”

Sehun couldn't say anything, too speechless to even decipher a single word to utter in reply to Jongin's words so he keeps his lips shut, eyes wandering from Jongin to the view of London. The sight is stunning, breathtaking and the clear reflection of the sun on the ocean stares at him, shining and rippling with every wave. Sehun is constantly taken away with the beauty London brings but as his eyes trail back to the writer next to him, he realises that he has been lucky to have all the beauty in the world in front of him, holding his hand and spending his birthday with him.

Asters blossom within his chest, in the wake of spring. These are words Jongin would write if he held a pen to stain Sehun's skin, to weave words into the unwavering love Sehun feels in his heart for Jongin.

Their capsule is beginning to descend, reaching closer to earth rather than the sky. Jongin suddenly releases his hold on Sehun's hand, shoving it into the pocket of his coat to search for something. Sehun has a perplexed look on, eyebrows raised at Jongin when he pulls out a black box with a white lace ribbon donning the top. Jongin turns to faces him fully, Sehun could see him taking a deep breath. His nerves are rising, his pulse picking up a faster pace at the sight of Jongin.

“I saw this earlier on and I just had to pick it up for your birthday,” Jongin begins, words tugging on Sehun's heartstrings already. “It reminds me of you; dazzling and utterly ethereal so I knew that it was going to be the perfect birthday gift for you.”

Sehun parts his lips to disagree but Jongin must have seen it coming as he holds up a finger to interrupt Sehun. “I know you're going to say that this London trip is already the perfect gift but it's not enough to me.”

Jongin flits his eyes from the box to Sehun's, holding a strong gaze filled with intensity that it takes Sehun's breath away faster than the view of London. He continues, voice falling to a lower pitch, softening around the edges, making Sehun's eyes water slightly, “ _You deserve the universe, Sehun._ ”

And his fingers pry the top off, revealing a ring underneath with a single diamond gem on the top of the circle, catching the light of the sun, gleaming under the light. Sehun's eyes are blinded, filled with tears at the corners and he's speechless, words failing him once more and throat too dry to even have a voice. Jongin picks the ring between his fingers and grabs Sehun's right hand, sliding it onto his fourth finger, the fit is snug and comfortable like it's meant to be.

“When we're ready...” Jongin starts, once he is done, sliding the ring on Sehun's hand. His eyes hold a tint of shyness as he looks into Sehun's brown irises. “I'll slide this ring onto your left hand instead.”

Sehun looks up, tears at bay, ears unbelieving at the implication Jongin has made. _Marriage,_ the word registers into his mind, and he strains to keep the tears in, tries to comprehend the moment at hand.

He chokes out, “You're embarrassing.” A lovely laugh slips past Jongin's lips, feeling Sehun's ears with the tune of it. “Are all writers this romantic or am I the only fortunate one?”

Jongin giggles, fingers tracing the ring on Sehun's hand. His gaze keeps falling to the ring, a sense of disbelief lingers in his gaze as well. He answers Sehun, “You're the only one, babe.”

Sehun half shouts, a crimson blush painting the paleness of his cheeks, “Drop the pet name!” and embraces Jongin in a hug, as the writer's laugh bubbles even further, pulling him close to Sehun's chest. He whispers the three words over and over again, unable to fully express his gratitude and love for the writer in his arms. Sehun leans back and dives into a kiss on Jongin's full lips, nibbling on his bottom lip and drawing a low moan out of Jongin.

The capsule reaches the ground. They have their footing, Sehun has his hand in Jongin's with the gem catching the light of the sun in its reflected stone. Sehun can't contain the smile creeping onto his face, and he turns to see the same on Jongin's fuller lips.

Kim Jongin is the perfect birthday gift life has ever given him.

 

* * *

_November 24th 2012_

 

“Who or what has been your inspiration for your new romance novel, 'Dandelions'?”

An upward curl of his lips, sudden and automatic at the thought that comes to mind. Sehun peruses curiously, eyes never leaving the screen that overlooks Jongin during the interview.

The smile has creeped its way into his voice, as well. He turns his head suddenly, eyes poring into the camera, staring into Sehun. The pace picks up, racing as usual at the fire burning within Jongin's irises directed at him.

“My fiancé, no one else but him.”

 

 

* * *

 

_August 7th 2015_   


The stare is unfaltering, fixated on Sehun, scrutinising him further under two pairs of eyes. He knows that he looks terrible with the bags hanging heavily under his eyes, rimming with dark circles. He is too thin, he realises that when he pulls his jumper over his body and feels it overwhelm his frail body underneath. Sehun's bones are peeking out of his cheeks, lips too chapped and hair greasier than the gel Baekhyun has on now. His hands are always trembling, easily shaken by the light breeze of the fall season. There are shivers breaking out all over his body even when he's drowned in that huge red jumper and baggy denim jeans.

“How have you been?” Kyungsoo asks earnestly, munching on his banana muffin. Baekhyun hasn't said anything yet, eyes still burning a hole into Sehun's scalp. Sehun mumbles the usual 'I'm fine', playing out the lie as he fixes a small smile on to fool his best friends.

Baekhyun's frown deepens.

“Are you sure?” Kyungsoo asks, his voice softer this time like as if he's approaching a timid animal who might run away at the most sudden sound. Sehun scrunches his nose at the comparison he made in his mind, and snaps at Kyungsoo, eyes flashing at the both of them to just leave him alone, “I said I'm _fine_.”

“Then, why are your hands shaking, Sehun?” Baekhyun's voice flows into his ears, sharp and knife-like. Sehun doesn't want to look at Baekhyun because he knows he'd find anger laced with worry in those irises. He knows that they care, they just want the best for him, they want to help him.

The issue at hand is that they _can't_.

Sehun has spent weeks locked inside his room, refusing to even step out of the front door to get the mail. The only place he visits is the kitchen in the apartment to grab a glass of water time to time, and to eat a few meals only to have them pouring out of his mouth, his head hung over the toilet bowl, stomach suffering the most pain of it all. He can't sleep at night, the darkness gets to him, making him squirm around in the sheets, reaching for another body of warmth and realising with the hardest pang to his heart that there is no one else there except him. He'll stay up, eyes focused on the screen of the television, watching whatever is on to fill his mind momentarily until the sun rises. It has become a routine, to sleep in during the light, and to be awake during the dark. Sehun has grown accustomed to the life he has made for himself now, only living off the air he breathes in the apartment.

Until Baekhyun and Kyungsoo called.

Sehun couldn't find it in him to say no so he agreed to whatever hang-out his best friends have planned for three of them. He hasn't even said a thing, hasn't even spilled a single word to them about his life right now. He has been keeping it on the low, has been successful in not saying anything. Sehun had even planned to fake a headache after twenty minutes into their gathering just so he could escape and return to the life waiting for him at the apartment. Or the lack of life, Sehun should say.

But as his eyes slowly flit upwards, meeting Baekhyun's concerned gaze along with Kyungsoo's, tears build up behind his eyes, threatening to fall if he blinks. Sehun swallows, gulping, as his words waver on the tip of his tongue, _wanting_ to spill out, to spit the poison he has been keeping in himself for weeks.

Kyungsoo's hand reaches over the table, landing on top of Sehun's, the pad of his thumb rubbing gingerly on his skin. His voice falls to a whisper as he says, “Tell us.”

And Sehun... he breaks.

He lays the shattered pieces on the top of the table, as his voice trembles under the pain of the memories. He keeps his eyes downcast, unprepared for the pity that is going to appear on his best friends' features. Sehun's voice is small, his shoulders slouched, and his heart is beating so slowly, it's almost a dead line.

It still hurts.

“Jongin left,” Sehun begins, he hears the slight gasp coming out of Kyungsoo's mouth and he feels the elder's hand gripping onto his tightly, like he might waver or fade away. Sehun isn't even sure if he could stay any longer, the shards of his broken heart are gushing out blood, he's going to run dry someday. “I thought that he was going to come back like he usually does but it has been three weeks and he-”

Sehun chokes, feeling the sobs slip into his voice, the tears are spilling down his cheeks in a waterfall. His voice is so hoarse, utterly wrecked like himself as he says, “Jongin is not home, he's not there anymore.”

He feels another hand lay on top of his and he finally looks up, seeing Baekhyun's gaze on him, the concern isn't wavering. There is no pity written on their features, just plain sympathy and worry etched into the furrow of their eyebrows and the frowns on their lips. Baekhyun's dainty fingers drum a beat on the back of Sehun's hand, easing the tense muscles there, relaxing the pace of Sehun's heart.

“I'm sorry,” Kyungsoo whispers and Sehun wants to laugh because it's not any of their faults. It is his own fault for falling deeply in love, for believing in such an idea, for even hoping.

He should have stayed hopeless, the pain is much lesser than the one lodged in the middle of his chest, cutting off his oxygen.

“You're welcome to stay with us,” Baekhyun suggests, eyes soft and pleading. Sehun lets a smile show on his face, this time it's not forced, a natural curl of his lips tugging upwards at the sight of his best friends and everything he has been missing since he locked himself away due to the heartbreak.

Why did Sehun even stay in a place that is the bane of their marriage, the home he has lost, where all the flashbacks lie to haunt him in the darkness?

The revelation washes over Sehun, as he stares into his best friends' eyes. There is new hope bubbling in his chest, killing all off the monsters that have taken refuge in his heart. The ghosts have withered away and his mind is clearer, his vision is sharper. The tears are the last remnants of his pain, the last blood shed.

Sehun opens his eyes to the light, welcoming it to fill his insides, setting a newfound flame.

He wakes up, wanting to live for the first time ever since.

 

 

* * *

_July 16th 2013_   


The sun is bright, spreading its rays wide over the park, illuminating Jongin in a glow. Sehun's eyes hurt, there are crinkles around them but he dares to endure the pain, staring at the only light in his life.

The writer takes Sehun's hand into his, smiling brighter than the summer sun, with hope etched in the crinkles around his own pair of eyes. Jongin pauses in his tracks, making Sehun stop as well and he looks at the writer, head tilted with a question embedded in the raise of his eyebrow. He sees Jongin take a deep intake of breath, and it's all too familiar, too similar to the memory Sehun has in his mind, but he watches anyway, waiting on the sidelines as the writer slowly falls to one knee, neck craning upwards to meet the disbelief in Sehun's eyes. He parts his lips, words flow out of his mouth with all the sincerity and love etched in his heart.

“Sehun, we've been together for three years now and this may be a rush to public's eye but I feel like I've known you forever. The love I have for you flows through my veins, thicker than blood itself. I breathe in your air every morning, every night, every single day of my life and I want to breathe you in for the rest of my life, for the rest of _our_ lives together. There is no one else I would rather be with than you, Sehun, the only one who loves me for me, the most sentimental and genuine person I've ever met.”

Jongin reaches for Sehun's right hand, pulling the gifted ring out of his fourth finger and into Jongin's palm. He picks the ring between his thumb and index finger, eyes flicking upwards once more to continue his speech.

“Remember when I said I'll put this on your left hand when we are ready?” Jongin drops Sehun's right hand to grab his left instead, touching Sehun's skin gingerly, fingers brushing against his softly like a kiss of the breeze lightly hitting the hairs on his skin. The ring hovers over Sehun's left hand, like a promise.

“ _I love you._ I love all of your quirks, your flaws, your habits and I'll live with them, I'll learn to be patient with you. I've learnt about love when I'm with you, so here's to more in the future. If you said yes, that is.”

Jongin's eyes hold Sehun's gaze, glistening with hope in the pools of his irises, dripping snowdrops to his cheeks. There's a crack in his voice, sending shivers down Sehun's spine despite the heat of the sun hitting the back of his neck. Sehun's breath is taken away, eyes too immersed in Jongin's as his lips move, uttering the words that fuel the flames within.

“ _Will you marry me?_ ”

 

 

* * *

_March 2nd 2016_   


 

  
There is a grin fixated on his face, unmoving unlike the line in front of Sehun or the quick flick of his hand as it glides across the page, staining the paper with his penmanship. Sehun holds a copy of the novel, _Daffodils,_ close to his chest, feeling the thickness and heaviness against his arm.

He's just a person away, and Sehun waits, holding his breath for those eyes to flick towards him, meeting his gaze with surprise flashing in those brown irises Sehun has grown to love a long, long time ago.

Almost a year, it has been ever since the last of Jongin's footsteps left the apartment, the place they both called home once.

Jongin's smile is the same, it subdues from a grin into a simple curl of his lips, softer at the corners like it's only for Sehun. His heart thumps loudly against his chest, a habit that never ends, something that never changes when it comes to Kim Jongin. Sehun slides the book over to the rightful writer, watching as Jongin take it into his hold without any questions asked.

It has been a while, Sehun thinks, yet his heart wouldn't cooperate, still beating for the writer.

Sehun peruses closely as Jongin opens the book, flipping to the dedication page. He signs on the paper, longer than the others. Sehun's hand reaches out for the book, instinctively when Jongin's hand lifts off the page, having signed his penmanship on his copy but Jongin stops him, interrupts him by lacing his fingers through the gaps of Sehun's. Sehun gasps, secretly welcoming the warmth Jongin always brings to his heart, but he tries to tug backwards only for Jongin to pull him in even more.

“Missed you,” Jongin whispers, his breath fanning over Sehun's upper lip and Sehun tenses, freezing all over at the words Jongin uttered. There's a smile creeping onto his face but he can't allow it take over. Jongin pulls back, an easy smile falling onto his own lips. He says louder, “It's nice to see you again, Sehun.”

Sehun merely nods, unable to trust his voice. He's afraid that he'll spill out all of his inner desires, his inner thoughts. He has built another wall, he can't have Kim Jongin breaking into his heart again so he grabs his copy of the book, letting a polite smile show on his face, directing at the writer but he's sure that a little fondness has been displayed on the curl of his lips. Jongin's lips break into a grin, laughing at Sehun.

He takes his first steps away, turning around to head towards the exit of the bookstore. Sehun could feel the burn of Jongin's stare on his back, but he doesn't turn. Not now, not yet or ever. Not ever, he decides. Sehun's feet leave the bookstore, stepping into the streets of New York, feeling the air of spring hit his face. He welcomes it, along with new white daffodils blossoming in his chest where his heart lies, promising a new beginning.

Sehun pries open the book, nimble fingers flipping to the dedication page where Jongin has signed and his eyes skim over the words. He has seen the words multiple times already, having read the book a few times when he bought it last week. He probably has the words memorised and ready on the tip of his tongue if anyone asks. There's a small smile settling on his lips when he sees Jongin's improvisation and the messy penmanship he's always stubborn to change.

 

_Maybe I wrote this for you, ~~m̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶i̶d̶n̶'̶t̶.̶~~_

 

**Author's Note:**

> ++ flowers mentioned in the fanfic:
> 
> asters – a symbol of love, patience.  
> (scarlet) lilies – a symbol of high-souled aspirations... whatever that means. I just wanted sehun to receive a bouquet of lilies.  
> dandelions – coquetry.  
> marigolds – as jongin explained, pain and cruelty.  
> daffodils – new beginnings.


End file.
